I personally find this the most entertaining song from the whole musical... ... ...
MASTER OF THE HOUSE
from the Musical, Les Miserables
THENARDIER
Welcome, M'sieur
Sit yourself down
And meet the best
Innkeeper in town
As for the rest
All of them crooks
Rooking their guests
And cooking the books
Seldom do you see
Honest men like
A gent of good intent
Who's content to be
Master of the house
Dolling out the charm
Ready with a handshake
And an open palm
Tells a saucy tale
Makes a little stir
Customers appreciate a bon-viveur
Glad to do me friends a favour
Doesn't cost me to be nice
But nothing gets you nothing
Everything has got a little price!
Master of the house
Keeper of the zoo
Ready to relieve 'em
Of a sou, or two
Watering the wine
Making up the weight
Pickin' up their knick-knacks
When they can't see straight
Everybody loves a landlord
Everybody loves a bosom friend
I do whatever pleases Jesus!
Won't I bleed 'em in the end!
THENARDIER & CHORUS
Master of the house
Quick to catch your eye
Never wants a passer-by
To pass him by
Servant to the poor
Butler to the great
Comforter, philosopher
And life long mate!
Everybody's boon companion
Everybody's chaperone
THENARDIER
But lock up your valises Jesus!
Won't I skin ou to the bone!
Enter, M'sieur
Lay down you load
Unlace your boots
And rest from the road
This weight's a ton
Travel's a curse
But here we strive
To lighten your purse
Here the goose is cooked
Here the fat is fried
And nothing's overlooked
Till I'm satisfied...
Food beyond compare
Mix it in a mixer
And pretend it's beef
Kidney of a horse
Liver of a cat
Filling up the sausages
With this and that!
Residents are more than welcome
Bridal suite is occupied!
Reasonable charges
Plus some little extras on the side!
Charge 'em for the lice
Extra for the mice
Two per cent for looking in the mirror twice
Here a little slice
There a little cut
Three per cent for sleeping with the window shut
When it comes to fixing prices
There're a lots of tricks he knows
How it all increases
All those bits and pieces
Jesus! It's amazing how it grows!
THENARDIER & CHORUS
Master of the house
Quick to catch your eye
Never wants a passer-by
To pass him by
Servant to the poor
Butler to the great
Comforter, philosopher
And life long mate!
Everybody's boon companion
Gives 'em everything he's got
THENARDIER
Dirty bunch of geezers
Jesus! What a sorry little lot!
MADAME THENARDIER
I used to dream
That I would meet a prince
But God Almighty
Have you seen what's happened since?
'Master of the house'?
Isn't worth my spit!
'Comforter, philosopher' - and lifelong shit!
Cunning little brain
Regular Voltaire
Thinks he's quite a lover
But there's not much there
What a cruel trick of nature
Landed me with such a louse
God knows how I've lasted
Living with this bastard in the house!
THENARDIER & CHORUS
Master of the house
MADAME THENARDIER
Master and a half!
THENARDIER & CHORUS
Comforter, philosopher
MADAME THENARDIER
Don't make me laugh!
THENARDIER & CHORUS
Servant to the poor
Butler to the great
MADAME THENARDIER
Hypocrite and toady
And inebriant!
THENARDIER & CHORUS
Everybody bless the landlord!
Everybody bless his spouse!
THENARDIER
Everybody raise a glass
MADAME THENARDIER
Raise it up the master's arse
ALL
Everybody raise a glass to the master of the house
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